This is not the typical chronological blog. Each blog entry is the beginning of a discussion of a problem that parents of adopted children may face. For these issues, I do not have all the answers but I do have questions. I invite you to comment on the blog under the specific topics and hopefully together we can help each other work out the problems we face. Please feel free to vent about your hard times and/or share advice on what may work for others. If you would like to suggest new topics please email me at hinkson@pcu.net. Check back often to see if any new comments can be of help. Also all the comments have to be OK'd before they post and so don't panic if they don't immediately show on the site. They will be posted soon.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Ingratitude
Where did we get the illusion that all orphans were as grateful and as talented at expressing appreciation as little orphan Annie? Some may be, but many do not seem to possess these traits. Any feelings on this topic?
One day we asked Vitaly if he had ever been taught to be grateful and he responded "I lived in such a pig pen that no one ever taught me anything." I realized that we have to start with square one and teach him to say thank you etc. like we do our toddlers when they are given something. That is the outward polite part, which will keep them from offending others, but the internal actually-feeling-grateful-part, we hope will come in time.
After almost a year home we started Alex on a gratitude journal. It has helped immensely. Each day he has to record ONE thing he is grateful for and it can't be the same thing from another day. We've had some funny ones. Mostly I can see that he'll look around the room and be thankful for the lamp, the fan, the fridge but he's come up with some meaningful ones. I think gratitude is taught-not something you just come to have-and like Vitaly above-most these orphans they missed out on that "Say please and thank you" phase you go through when your toddlers start talking. It seems ridiculous to say it to a twelve year old but he needs those lessons he missed. It helps that my husband and home grown children are very grateful and always thank me in front of him for cooking dinner or thank us when we take them out to dinner. Alex see's this and has followed suit. It's hard not to be offended when you've gone to such lengths to bring them home and your family has made such sacrifices-be in financially or just in sharing rooms or toys and bikes and they act like it's just not enough or not worthy of their gratitude. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL! They truly don't know anything better. It will come in time but not without work!
One day we asked Vitaly if he had ever been taught to be grateful and he responded "I lived in such a pig pen that no one ever taught me anything." I realized that we have to start with square one and teach him to say thank you etc. like we do our toddlers when they are given something. That is the outward polite part, which will keep them from offending others, but the internal actually-feeling-grateful-part, we hope will come in time.
ReplyDeleteAfter almost a year home we started Alex on a gratitude journal. It has helped immensely. Each day he has to record ONE thing he is grateful for and it can't be the same thing from another day. We've had some funny ones. Mostly I can see that he'll look around the room and be thankful for the lamp, the fan, the fridge but he's come up with some meaningful ones. I think gratitude is taught-not something you just come to have-and like Vitaly above-most these orphans they missed out on that "Say please and thank you" phase you go through when your toddlers start talking. It seems ridiculous to say it to a twelve year old but he needs those lessons he missed. It helps that my husband and home grown children are very grateful and always thank me in front of him for cooking dinner or thank us when we take them out to dinner. Alex see's this and has followed suit. It's hard not to be offended when you've gone to such lengths to bring them home and your family has made such sacrifices-be in financially or just in sharing rooms or toys and bikes and they act like it's just not enough or not worthy of their gratitude. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL! They truly don't know anything better. It will come in time but not without work!
ReplyDelete