This is not the typical chronological blog. Each blog entry is the beginning of a discussion of a problem that parents of adopted children may face. For these issues, I do not have all the answers but I do have questions. I invite you to comment on the blog under the specific topics and hopefully together we can help each other work out the problems we face. Please feel free to vent about your hard times and/or share advice on what may work for others. If you would like to suggest new topics please email me at hinkson@pcu.net. Check back often to see if any new comments can be of help. Also all the comments have to be OK'd before they post and so don't panic if they don't immediately show on the site. They will be posted soon.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Fomer abuse and night terrors
How can we overcome the former abuse that some children have experienced? How can we help them to develop trust in their new family when family life may have been a terror in the past?
It's true that love can break down walls, but in cases where years of abuse or neglect have occurred, these walls can seem impossible to penetrate. If love, hugs, kisses, smiles, and other tactics that have worked with your own kids just don't seem to be working after months and months of trying, there may be trauma pent up inside your child's heart that they feel ashamed about or simply don't know how to express. They may also feel that talking about it will cause you to reject them -- something they know all too much about. Most children will open up over time and these feelings come out as they learn to trust you. However, when your parental instincts tell you that something needs to come out of your child so you can all deal with it, a pediatrician or child psychologist should be involved. They know what to say to open your child up in a non-fearing way. Many parents would love to admit that we can do it all ourselves and involving a medical professional would be insulting to our parenting abilities. But ironically, it's because your child loves you and wants to be a part of your family that may be causing the repression of those feelings.
Whether you make progress on your own or involves professional help, trust is imperative. Reassure your child that the past is just that, and nothing he says will change your mind about adopting him. Reward moments of opening up and talking with non-judgmental, focused attention, loving words, and lots of hugs!
I agree-however I don't agree that just because a child is adopted that he is broken and MUST have medical/therapeutic intervention. I think taking them to therapy or forcing the issue or trying ever new-fangled, weird technique can be just as harmful as repressing the issues. Give them time. Especially if they're coping well. A lot of healing can be done with love and trust. It took our son months to tell us initial tragic incidents and even more recently he's revealed more details. These children are not raised in a touchy feel-y society. No one has cared about their opinion or feelings in the past. Opening up is a new thing for them. And so is unconditional love. I thought the minute we got our son home he would just confide in me and revel in knowing he now has a mom. It's taken months. And I know there are still some dark secrets he's not ready to reveal. Forcing him into therapy seems wrong at this time. Especially since he is not emotionally, physically or mentally struggling right now. So....yes therapy-especially when your child is hurting and you can't reach him or her or endangering themselves or members of your family but don't be too quick to assume that is the best route for every child. Just my two cents!
It's true that love can break down walls, but in cases where years of abuse or neglect have occurred, these walls can seem impossible to penetrate. If love, hugs, kisses, smiles, and other tactics that have worked with your own kids just don't seem to be working after months and months of trying, there may be trauma pent up inside your child's heart that they feel ashamed about or simply don't know how to express. They may also feel that talking about it will cause you to reject them -- something they know all too much about. Most children will open up over time and these feelings come out as they learn to trust you. However, when your parental instincts tell you that something needs to come out of your child so you can all deal with it, a pediatrician or child psychologist should be involved. They know what to say to open your child up in a non-fearing way. Many parents would love to admit that we can do it all ourselves and involving a medical professional would be insulting to our parenting abilities. But ironically, it's because your child loves you and wants to be a part of your family that may be causing the repression of those feelings.
ReplyDeleteWhether you make progress on your own or involves professional help, trust is imperative. Reassure your child that the past is just that, and nothing he says will change your mind about adopting him. Reward moments of opening up and talking with non-judgmental, focused attention, loving words, and lots of hugs!
I agree-however I don't agree that just because a child is adopted that he is broken and MUST have medical/therapeutic intervention.
ReplyDeleteI think taking them to therapy or forcing the issue or trying ever new-fangled, weird technique can be just as harmful as repressing the issues.
Give them time. Especially if they're coping well. A lot of healing can be done with love and trust. It took our son months to tell us initial tragic incidents and even more recently he's revealed more details. These children are not raised in a touchy feel-y society. No one has cared about their opinion or feelings in the past. Opening up is a new thing for them. And so is unconditional love.
I thought the minute we got our son home he would just confide in me and revel in knowing he now has a mom. It's taken months. And I know there are still some dark secrets he's not ready to reveal. Forcing him into therapy seems wrong at this time. Especially since he is not emotionally, physically or mentally struggling right now.
So....yes therapy-especially when your child is hurting and you can't reach him or her or endangering themselves or members of your family but don't be too quick to assume that is the best route for every child.
Just my two cents!